这一个星期感觉很压抑，总觉得快被窒息。东西多得永远忙不完，也根本没有做不完的理由，死了也要交出来。能一觉天黑睡到天亮就应该谢天谢地。一想到明天（今天）一天下来的活动就会不寒而栗，真的很累。这里没有任何逃避或歇息的空间。
有时会懊恼为什么要那么有责任感，为什么为了自救最后都在收尾收拾烂摊子，为什么摊子丢给别人就肯定会烂。虽然其实正确答案我很明白，长远来看对办事能力有帮助，但以现在来说好希望不再把三五个人该做的事情一个人不得已全拦下。
现在也只能深呼吸，不想接下来的事情，走一步是一步。
也许睁开了的眼睛再也无法闭上。
话，像泼出去的水。
有些改变是永恒的。
I looked up, and I thought the soft lights radiating from each alcove were beautiful. A different colour, a different intensity. Each with its own shadow gently filtering through the tinted glass, beckoning you towards the warmth within. What is banal in the day is alluring in the darkness.
李穹野，我相信你！
头脑里好多东西。该想的，不该想的，该做的，不该做的。疑虑和不安。这样下去快疯了。没有答案，或者是得不到答案的，就不要再想了，至少现在不要。
记得那晚你唱着拥抱哄我，我都不领情。我总是急了就很挑衅地乱冲乱撞，希望在撞击的那一刹可以找到某种反应或承诺，过后在已经太迟的时后再后悔道歉。你总是要为我捡起残留下的零星碎片。真难为你了。
我很害怕 uncertainty。我需要知道自己的价值是什么，尤其对我重要的人的价值，尤其对你。其实只是要一点安全感和承诺。但也许承诺很难承诺吧。
咫尺千里，遥不可及。
The last two months have been a little odd. My mood swings as if a pendulum. Some days I'm happy to be drawing lines, listening to music, writing essays, having conversations, going for German class, spending time with QY. Other days there's this deep sense of loneliness, unhappiness and listlessness. The realisation that as we grow older, no one can really help with our problems because they grow increasingly complex and personal, and ultimately you just have to go it alone.
I've been trying to figure it out. Been talking to QY about it, because he probably has the clearest idea of my life at the moment. Contributing factors include sudden change from the environment and people I'm used to, living alone and in school, management of workload, stress levels. Wynne says it's the nature of work. Maybe, I guess.
I do want to snap out of it. In the recesses of my mind, there is a sliver of doubt as to whether I am doing the right thing. I wonder if I should have just taken up the other scholarship to become a teacher, but then that is by no means an easy road either. And then I hope, and still am hoping, fervently, that I will grow to love this. I am doing what I've thought I've wanted to do for years.
If I sound permamnently depressed here, it's because I'm only driven to write when I'm unhappy I guess. Analyse and exorcise the emotion by putting it into words. And I do feel better.
Nine months today. What's on your mind? Some days I'm afraid I might just lose you.
逆风的方向更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡只怕自己投降
感激，就算爭吵、疲累，我們依然懷著一樣的目標。
感謝你，一直不離不棄地在我身邊。我知道你辛苦了，也因此受了委屈和失望。
我的避風港，我深海中的錨。就是波濤洶湧也渡得安然無恙。
夜晚的窗啊 輕輕拉著夢搖晃 |
I should be doing work now, but I just need to vent, because I'm feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. Work I have due:
Almost had a mental meltdown last night thinking about the amount of work, the deadlines, how I can't do them because I'm going home for the weekend, and the obligations I have today. Am supposed to be training with Daniel right now but cancelled (sorry Dan) because I have no time to work. Wanted to work through last night, but was just too frigging tired from the late nights the last two days, which weren't very efficient working, and had a headache and I just really needed to sleep.
I realise that this semester is supposed to be the 'trial by fire' meant to sieve out the architecture students from those who can't take the pressure, and I don't want to be one of those. At the moment, without all other obligations I think I still can manage. I'm trying to work very efficiently in studio so I don't have to work through the night, because I need to sleep. But then it makes me wonder if I'm giving enough thought and putting in enough effort. I was so keen to explore and experiment before school started, but now I don't have any time or spare energy to think about it, and that really sucks. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and I'm not thinking. It's like my brain took a holiday and hasn't returned.
I'm also frustrated because my entire life revolves around work now, even the weekends, even the hours I'm supposed to be sleeping. Living on campus makes it worse because the campus is the entire world and even Clementi feels so far away. All I do is shuttle around the school (literally), between the hostel and studio, and sometimes visiting the satellite campus known as Art Friend, which is where all my money is disappearing into. I'm not reading or watching or even listening to the news, and I feel very uninformed, and I don't know what's been going on in the last two weeks except photographs, clay models and acrylic.
At the moment all I want to do is survive until Thursday, get my work done, and then just sleep. And I miss having a life, and having fun outside of studio and lessons. In summation I am extremely stressed this weekend. But I'll get over it.
In the unfinished church of the Sagrada Familia, also in Barcelona, the facades look as if they have been eroded through millennia or dipped in acid, leaving only the incomprehensible traces of some forgotten language.
School is tiring and kind of stressful, because submission deadlines are tight (three days), and the amount of work to be completed can be overwhelming. For example, our first project involved the construction of a pinhole camera, photographing with it, developing the photo, photographing and developing a digital photo, altering the two photographs with a photocopy machine, and sixteen graphics—all mounted on A1 paper. This process would have taken maybe a month to complete back in DHS.
It's not that it's unenjoyable though. There's something therapeutic about drawing and tracing lines over and over again. I also like drawing orthographic projections, but I think I'm the only person who finds it fun. It's just using your hands instead of your brain, or at least the parts of your brain that composes essays and analyses data.
Actually what I find stressful is not so much the actual work to be completed, but trying to keep to the timelines I set so I can finish work in time, and the travelling involved, and working around various commitments. For example, today I have to finish making sixteen drawings based on my feel of a tree (touching it, literally), and five small clay models (5 cm × 5 cm × 10 cm), and then there's the SWA Teachers' Day dinner at 6, and I somehow have to cart my stuff home in the process.
I suppose the answer is just to be very efficient, very productive, and manage my time very very well. Which is good training—I cannot remember procrastinating at all the last week because there has been absolutely no time to procrastinate.
And I really need to do filing and tidy my room. Unlike Lim Uncluttered Ying Xian my room gives off a messy vibe. This is bad.
School has started, and I have studio later this afternoon. Because I make bad life decisions, I have a German lecture directly after studio at 6, which means I will be missing part of studio since studio apparently never ends at 6. Will try to negotiate with the lecturer.
I don't actually miss my home per se, because most of my stuff has been shifted over to my hostel room. I guess you miss stuff that brings convenience and comfort, and if most of them have been shifted along with you, there's less to miss. I just feel a little displaced now, and this feeling was more intense several days ago, when half my stuff was at home and half of it in the hostel. Kind of a neither-here-nor-there feeling.
I kind of miss everyone though! EVEN THOUGH WE TECHNICALLY STUDY IN THE SAME SCHOOL NOW. Vina do you actually go for lectures! I have only been seeing Yingxian and Judy and Yuezhi because we all live in the same place.
Mixed feelings towards school starting in slightly over a week. On one hand I am slightly apprehensive, because university is this large, strange animal I'm not accustomed to, and also because I am apparently enrolled in the Faculty of Sleep Deprivation. (I also wonder, if I'm apprehensive now, how on earth I would have coped should I have chosen to go to Goldsmiths.)
On the other hand though, I am so excited because I'm about to begin something I enjoy at last, and I have the chance to do it properly (and stop dwelling on what's missing in my coursework).
Might not be able to go to Korea. Going to Korea! :D